My feelings on Calvinism

So, I want to take a post and talk a little bit about what I’m feeling with regards to my analysis on Calvinism, which I referred to in my last post. For one thing, I don’t want this to be a purely intellectual exercise. I want this to be something that’s impacts me, and so I want to communicate that to you all, as well. Plus, this is good practice for me, since expressing my feelings is not something I do often enough. One caveat: these are raw feelings, not my actual analysis. These things should be taken with a grain of salt, and hopefully my actual study will be more objective.

Calvinism. This word is bringing up a lot of feelings in me right now, so here we go:

• Intimidation. This is tough stuff. Some of the most influential Christian writers ever have really struggled with these issues. It has divided and befuddled Christians for centuries. Just getting the vocabulary correct could challenge even the most scholarly. The questions raised are that of an incredible, infinite God. And here I am, just a computer geek, with no formal Biblical training, trying to make sense of it all.
• Annoyance. This is hard to admit. I try to hide it behind intellectual objectivity and teasing those who would disagree with me (sorry JTR). But the fact is, I’m not objective about this. The idea that my free will is not completely my own is a little bit offensive to me. I think that if this is the conclusion that God leads me to, I will be able to swallow my pride and accept it, but it’s definitely counter to what I’ve always thought.
• Excitement. I’m actually very excited to see where God leads me in this adventure. I know that whatever I discover, it will deepen my relationship with Him. I’m not in the least worried about discovering that I’m not His elect or something. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am His and He is mine. I cannot prove this intellectually, but I have a better kind of proof: experiential truth. I know my God, He is passionately involved in my life, and I have seen Him at work in it.
• Determination. This is the largest Bible study that I’ve ever taken up. I don’t doubt that it will be months before I complete it (at least). But I feel that this is something that God has brought me face-to-face with, and by His strength, I will resolve this in my mind.
• Anticipation. This is related to the excitement, but I look forward to seeing what comes out of this. Several years ago, I took the topic of “speaking in tongues”, and did an in-depth study on it, because I was wrestling with it in my mind, much like I am now with Calvinism. I came out of that with a much deeper understanding of what I believe about the subject, and a lot of confidence. I look forward to seeing God do something similar in this instance as well.

God, please, reveal Yourself to me. I desire to know You more, so that You might be glorified in me more, for You are worthy. I am incapable, God, but I look forward to seeing You work mightily and faithfully in my life. Thank You for Your love, of which I so unworthy.

P.S. – Technically, I missed my once-a-week deadline by a day. Sorry! In my defense, I’m in the midst of planning two moves (one of which is coming in 3 days!) and a wedding, plus work suddenly exploded on me last week, so I think I’m doing pretty well, all things considered.